Originally Posted by
Gronan of Simmerya
Why, not a bit of it, Bunky old chum!*
My original post was a bit terse, I admit. Perhaps if I fill in some details it will make it clearer why this is a source of endless amusement to me.
This was some years back. It was even before I became the Glorious General; I was merely the Mighty Molkar at the time, and Chirine and I were still with the PVP loving/"Roleplaying is a SERIOUS NARTFORM" group when we played.
So we were headed north on some mission or the other. We were travelling as military officers; this is important because it meant that what we had with us is what Tsolyani military officers had with them, and none of us were part of a sappers' or engineers' legion.
Someplace between our origination point and our destination, we learned of some old something or other that seemed for some reason good to explore. In the process of exploring we eventually found deep underground some shrine to Vimuhla. In it we found an immense lead slab. Investigation proved that it was the aforementioned red gold slab with an inch or two of lead covering it. Not only that, but red gold is specially precious to Vimuhla... no idea why, probably he likes the colors. The gods act like spoiled six year olds sometimes.
Not only is this a slab of Vimuhla red gold, but it's in a shrine of Vimuhla, and the slab is covered with Vimuhla glyphs, Vimuhla hieroglypics, Vimuhla sigils, Vimuhla icons, Vimuhla runes, etc, etc, etc.
All the characters worshipped Vimuhla except Eyola the crazy wizard, and me. This group of PCs (except Chirine and me) were Prince Mirusiya's "New Men," who were rising through the ranks by dint of sycophancy. So every step up the ladder and every gift they got, they rubbed in my face. Repeatedly. A little joshing among friends was one thing, but this had long since become tiresome (and was, in fact, a major reason for me leaving that group.) Although Chrine did indeed worship Vimuhla, he was politically of the "Imperial Party," as was I. (Our motto: "We serve the Petal Throne, whoever sits on it.") That, plus he had this very old fashioned notion that advancement should come from merit and achievement rather than arse-kissing; thus, he was also scorned and derided by the "New Men."
Well, Kardarsha was incredibly politically ambitious, and he saw this huge Sacred Relic of Vimuhla (tm) to be a great opportunity to get close to some prime asses to kiss. Between he and Eyola kyoodling about how it was a marvelous magic item, cutting the thing up was Right Out. Now, Kutume agreed with me that we should try to break it up; he only wanted the gold. But it was made clear that was not going to happen. At that point I spoke up and made clear that I had a part interest in this artifact. I had no clan yet and was a medium level field officer (captain or major.) I still stayed at the barracks in our home city because I had noplace else, so the gold meant a lot to me. Kadarsha agreed to buy off my interest.
Now, remember, I worship Karanan... the rival god to Vimuhla. I had less than no interest in helping carry a five ton decorative trivet for somebody else's aggrandizement. They had made it clear to me many times that I had no part in what they were doing, so I decided to sit back and relax. Further, Chirine, though of the same temple, thought quite rightly that this huge clumsy slab of uselessness had exactly fuckall to do with our mission and orders.
Payback may ride a slow Chlen cart, but she's a real bitch when she arrives.
See, as I said before, we were traveling as a military entourage, not a combat engineer battalion.
Also, at least back then, remember that RPGs were a game of wits between the referee and players, both trying to outsmart the other. Sure, you can throw a thousand orcs at your first level PCs and kill them, but ANYBODY can do that. As Lord Downey said to Mister Teatime, "It..... lacked elegance." And once in a while, you get a situation where you just know that one of the players is WAY ahead of the others. In this case, it was the ref. I could see by the look in his eyes that Phil was WAY ahead of every idea the "New Men" had.
So, I sit back and relax, and Chirine the Ever-Prepared breaks out the bread substitute, the gribble-grub flavored icky-wax, and the fresh-squeezed Hoob-melon juice and we proceed to make a light tiffin.
Because I know damn well that this enormous metal slab sitting on top a stone platform weighs multiple tons, and we have no tools.
So the entire dialogue above went pretty much as written, with the "New Men" on one side and Phil on the other.
"Can we cut it up!"
Kadarsha: "ABSOLUTELY not."
New Men: "Can we pry it off?"
Me: "Who brought crowbars?"
Chirine: "Phil, is a crowbar standard equipment for any of our legions?"
Phil: (rolling dice) "No crowbars."
New Men: (to me) "ASSHOLE!"
New Men: "Let's lift it up!"
Phil: "Okay, you can try."
* roll * "You lift it about an inch by one corner. Then it slips and you drop it."
Me: "Does anybody lose a finger?"
New Men: (to me) "ASSHOLE!"
New Men: "If we stand it up on end we can roll it out."
Me: "Roll it on what?"
Phil: "Yes, who brought rollers? Anyone?"
New Men: (to me) "ASSHOLE!"
Et cetera.
So, all the things people mentioned upstream happened... and like I said, no logs, no chisels, no wheels, no nothin', no shit, no foolin'. After all, only "D&D thugs" carry dungeoneering gear, not Nartistic ROLE PLAYERS!
This went on for several hours as Chirine and I laughed our tonkers off, watching the "New Men" get more and more frustrated, and their ideas get more and more Rube Goldberg-esque. Eventually, one of them realized like Bren said, "it's been here for 10,000 years, it'll keep for a week."
It still amuses the hell out of me.
*10,000 XP to the first one who can identify this reference without looking it up!
Funny thing was I had no idea what the hell they were talking about half the time. Just loved the car chases. Well you brought a smile to my face tonight that's for sure!
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