Well, all right, then. Fasten your seat belts, folks; no smoking until after we get to cruising altitude, please.
So it's sometime in late '79, as I recall, and young Mr. Raymond (as he was then) has started showing up at Coffman for CSA meetings; he's a ok player, but he's got this kind of smarmy attitude that he's a better gamer then all of the rest of us are. Why, I don't know, but his just being out of high school may have something to do with it. We, on the other hand, were all grizzled veterans of multiple campaigns with guys like Dave and Gary, and we're also all suave and debonair college men just brimming with the knowledge we're being stuffed with. (We were even on a first-name basis with real, live female humans!!!) I had mentioned that I was interested in running a space campaign, using Gronan's "Planetfall" rules, and our young man announced that he was going to run a space campaign, using the "Traveller" three-black-book set. I signed on, and rolled up a nice little planetary government. Nothing special, but nice and tidy.
First night of gaming in the campaign, he rolls in with a vast space armada of hugely tech-superior warships, and I get a space radiophone call to
"Instantly Surrender Or Die!!!", which sounded just a little too much like the fourteen-year-old who'd managed to kill Dave Arneson in a game at a recent Gen Con and bragged about it the rest of the weekend; different person, same attitude of "I'ma gonna git you old guys!" Okay, cool, a little too obvious, but I'll play along 'cause I'm a nice guy. (Sometimes. Ask Gronan.)
So, being a guy interested in astronomy, I check for the local planetary time, and it's the middle of the night. The space invaders are getting insistant, so I answer the space phone, hear their demands and -
put them on hold. It's very obvious from the GM's attitude at the table that he's out for a TPK on a planetary scale, so I have literally nothing to lose by teaching him a thing or two about campaign balance and in how to run a campaign.
I then give them the bureaucratic run-around so familiar to anyone who's tried to talk to anyone in any government, shunting him from department to department. He's getting more and more red in the face, as he's caught on to my catching on to his gambit, and I'm not giving him an inch. Gronan, who happens to be sitting at the same table, is watching this all go down with mounting hilarity, and other regular players are pausing their games to drift over and watch the fun - Chirine is on a roll, and Victor is even breaking a sweat as he tries to assert his dominance at the table. I am in control of the table as I often am - as previous opponents will testify - and just as I sense he's at his limit I ratchet up the game by forwarding the call to Gronan, who leaps into the fun with both feet as he's wont to do when handed a golden opportunity for some laughs. This opportunity was being delivered on a platter, and off we went, playing all the night shift people you find in any large organization, and giving the invaders the massive run-around. We really got him going, and a good half-hour of hilarity was had by the both of us and the delighted spectators, as he'd been getting on everybody's nerves with his smarmy attitude towards everyone else in the club.
Finally, when he was literally beet-red and pouring sweat, I unlimbered my penultimate weapon. I passed him to the night shift janitor in the Ministry of Celestial Affairs, and he finally and utterly lost it. He used a planet-buster on my little home world, and that was that. His stentorian announcement of this was greeted with gales of laughter by everyone, and he could not figure out why everyone was laughing their heads off. Finally, one of the spectators, the level-headed Mr. Thornley (who had figured out what we'd been up to in the first thirty seconds) calmed down enough to ask Mr. Smarmy what the objective of the invading fleet was. "Why, to invade and occupy the planet, of course!" was the reply, followed by "That's going to be a little difficult, considering that you just blew it up." We laughed even harder; we'd made lemons out of lemonade - there was no hope of doing anything but balking the invaders, so we goaded him into the only option we had left.
Mr. Smarmy Know-It-All had never heard of Masada. We had. Sometimes it is better to nail your colors to the mast and go down fighting. So, we did, and with all the usual style and panache we could bring to bear.
Thank you for your patience; you may now unfasten your safety belts; the no smoking lamp is now off. Enjoy your flight with Chirine and Gronan's Flying Carpet Airways!
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