An Evening at GODs

A one minit play, 1990

DARK STAGE. Then a spotlight hits a papier-mache globe, spinning all by itself in the middle of darkness. Little by little, the stage lights COME UP, and we see a bare-stage representation of a living room: an easy chair with a table beside it (there\x92s an open bottle of beer on the table), and a console TV across the room. There\x92s a picnic cooler-full of beer under the table. Also, a great many empties. GOD is feeling pretty good. At stage left, there\x92s a door.

GOD \x96 a big guy with a white beard \x96 is sitting in the chair, alternately reading a book (When Bad Things Happen to Good People) and watching the tube. He has to crane whenever he wants to look at the set, because the floating globe (actually hung on a length of string, I imagine) is in his line of vision. There\x92s a sitcom on TV. Every now and then GOD chuckles along with the laugh-track.

There is a knock at the door.

Come in! Verily, it is open unto you!

The door opens. In comes ST. PETER, dressed in a snazzy white robe. He\x92s also carrying a briefcase.

Peter! I thought you were on vacation!

Leaving in half an hour, but I thought I\x92d bring the papers for you to sign.

How are you, GOD?

Better. I should know better than to eat those chili peppers. They burn me at both ends. Are those the letters of transmission from hell?

Yes, finally. Thank GOD. Excuse the pun.

He removes some papers from his briefcase. GOD scans them, then holds out his hand impatiently, ST PETER has been looking at the floating globe. He looks back, sees GOD is waiting, and puts a pen in his out-stretched hand. GOD scribbles his signature. As he does, ST. PETER goes back to gazing at the globe.

So Earth\x92s still there, Huh? After All these years.

GOD hands the papers back and looks up at it. His gaze is rather irritated.

Yes, the housekeeper is the most forgetful bitch in the universe.

An EXPLOSION OF LAUGHTER from the TV. GOD cranes to see. Too late.

Damm, was that Alan Alda?

It may have been, sir \x96 I really couldn\x92t see.

Me, either.

He leans forward and crushes the floating globe to powder.

GOD (inmensely satisfied)

There. Been meaning to do that for a long time. Now I can see the TV..

ST. PETER looks sadly at the crushed remains of the earth.

Umm... I believe that was alan Alda\x92s world, GOD.

So? (Chuckles at the TV) Robin Williams! I LOVE Robin Williams!

I believe both Alda and Williams Were on it when you..umm...passed Judgement, sir.

Oh, I\x92ve got all the videotapes. No problem. Want a beer?

As ST. PETER takes one, the stage-lights begin to dim. A spotlight come up on the remains on the globe.

I actually sort of liked that one, GOD \x96 Earth, I mean.

It wasn\x92t bad, but there\x92s more where that came from. Now \x96 let\x92s Drink to your vacation!

They are just shadows in the dimness now, although it\x92s a little easier to see GOD, because there\x92s a faint nimbus of light around his head. They clink bottles. A roar of laughter from the TV.

Look! It\x92s Richard Pryor! That guy kills me! I suppose he was...

Ummm... yessir.

Shit. (Pause) Maybe I better cut Down on my drinking. (Pause) Still... It WAS in the way.

Fade to black, except for the spotlight on the ruins of the floating globe.

Yessir.

GOD (muttering)

My son got back, didn\x92t he?

Yessir, some time ago.

Good. Everything\x92s hunky-dory, then.

THE SPOTLIGHT GOES OUT.

(Author\x92s note: GOD\x92S VOICE should be as loud as possible.)