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Lungbarrow - Chapter Twenty-seven

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Table Manners

The last rays of sunlight slanted across the gardens and into the shabby hall in the South wing.

Captain Redred was only too glad to escape the House's cloying atmosphere. He checked the documents he was carrying and stepped into the transmat booth. He separated the official documents of interment registration from the item requiring special carriage to the Agency.

Deathdays always brought out the worst in a place, and the summary edict he had delivered could only add to the gloom. Yet the rumours circulating the Chapterhouse, rumours of an illegal birth at Lungbarrow, seemed unheard of at the actual scene of the disgrace. Most Family members he had encountered appeared almost improperly jovial. Only the Cousin Glospin, acting in lieu of a Housekeeper too distressed to deal with official matters, gave the occasion the due weight it demanded. But even Glospin had his own cards to play and Redred found himself acting the messenger. At least his bribe was not an insult.

A Deathday was a private occasion, when a House was left to its own grief. Worst luck, he would have to return to collect the cinerary urn containing the mind of the deceased.

He sent the signal that would transmat him back to Prydon Chapterhouse.

Something crackled. A flash and a shower of sparks. The light dimmed and the booth clogged up with smoke.

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Redred wrenched back the door and got out.

Cobwebs caught in his face. He choked. His throat stung. The air outside was stifling. And the shabby hall was suddenly completely dilapidated. Its windows had been boarded up.

Instinctively, Redred accessed the Chapterhouse on his wrist-link. He'd transmatted to the wrong location. He pulled off his helmet and coughed painfully. The link hissed with empty static.

There was a movement behind him. Something grasped on his shoulder and yanked him round.

Redred yelled as he stared up at the snout of a savage beast with yellow tusks like knives.

The black cowl of the Other puppet crumpled and fell apart to reveal the figure of the Doctor, defiant amid its ruin.

Glospin was slowly clapping. 'Well played, Wormhole. An illuminating performance.'

'That's enough in front of our guests!' Satthralope cracked down her cane. 'Proceed with service,' she told the mountainous Drudges.

The Doctor returned to his place at the table.

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Chris had sunk back into his chair. 'I want to tell them, Doctor. I want them to know what I saw.'

The Doctor shook his head. 'Get something to eat first. I'll tell you when.'

The headless Drudge laid a huge platter on the table and a sense of wonderment spread through the Cousins. On it sat the four fish that had come down the chimney. They were cooked whole with the inevitable garnish of mushrooms.

The second Drudge placed a small bowl before Satthralope. Its contents were purple and slimy. The old woman scooped them up and swallowed them.

'Fish tongues,' said the Doctor in answer to Doroth\xE9e's quizzical grimace. 'Traditional.'

The Drudges served portions of the fish to the company and offered round the ciabatta bread. The Cousins and Leela tucked in heartily. Doroth\xE9e and Chris poked at their helpings.

As the glasses were filled with emerald-coloured wine, Rynde said, 'Remember that ornamental hermit we had? The one that lived in a grotto up the mountain?'

'Yes,' said the Doctor.

'I dismissed him,' snapped Satthralope. 'He was too expensive and a bad influence.' She regarded Doroth\xE9e graciously. 'The Doctor', as he wishes to be known, honours us with this gift of fish.'

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'It wasn't anything,' said the Doctor.

'The Family bestowed on him the finest education it could afford. It was always hoped he would achieve the rank of Cardinal.' Her tone hardened. 'Shamefully, he chose only to be what he is - a Doctor of something or other I cannot even remember! Certainly nothing that could ever earn him a respectable living!'

'Have you tried these skullcaps?' simpered Owis, passing the plate of mushrooms again.

Doroth\xE9e didn't like the smell of them, but Leela reached for one.

The Doctor slapped her hand away from the plate and stood up. 'Living? What do any of you know about living? Most of you have hardly even stuck your noses off the Family estate.'

The Cousins stopped eating and stared.

'I have dined at the tables of alien emperors and languished in their dungeons. I've seen whole galaxies born in the fires of the Aurora Temporalis. I've saved lives and taken them too. Which of you has even heard of the Frost Fairs of Ice-Askar the Winter Star? Or dreamt of the torches burning on the canals of Venice?'

The ensuing stunned silence was broken as Satthralope dismissed the Drudges.

'Has he been away?' asked Owis. 'Did he bring back presents?'

'I could never stomach that,' said Rynde with a look of distaste.

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Innocet stared silently into her supper.

'Home,' said Jobiska. 'I want to stay at home.'

Leela helped herself to more bread.

'Is it true?' said Satthralope. 'While your own Family were buried here in the misery you caused, you were away from Gallifrey, consorting and revelling with unworldly aliens?'

'Course he was,' said Chris. 'Who do you think we are?'

The Cousins gave a unified gasp of revulsion.

'Obscene,' said the old woman.

'You threw me out,' said the Doctor. 'Where did you expect me to go?'

'Monstrous.'

'At least I can choose my friends, even when I can't stick my own Family.'

Doroth\xE9e squeezed his arm. Then she stood up on her chair. 'Happy name day to you,' she sang out loud and looked to the other companions to follow.

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'Happy name day to you,' joined in Chris. Leela, her mouth full, tried to follow the words and clapped the rhythm.

'Happy name day, dear...' (they glanced at each other) '...Doctor. Happy name day to you!'

They clapped him loudly.

'Thank you,' the Doctor said. 'Now all I need is my TARDIS back. Innocet, will you help me?'

'I cannot trust you,' she said. 'Not any more.'

Satthralope smiled triumphantly. 'No, "Doctor". You will not be travelling again.'

'I'm not bound by you. I was disinherited, remember? Wake up Quences and he'll confirm it.'

Looks of silent dismay flittered between the Cousins.

'Impossible,' declared the Housekeeper. 'He cannot be woken. Not until his will is recovered.'

The Doctor rose and moved round to her chair. He planted a black data core on the table in front of her. 'There you are, Satthralope. This is Quences's will, still sealed with the House crest. I found it where he left it. Now wake him up!'

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Shouts of 'No!' from the Cousins.

She picked up the data core and turned it in her bony fingers.

'What are they so afraid of?' whispered the Doctor in her ear. 'Now you can restore the honour and respect of your beloved House.'

Glospin tried to push the Doctor away. 'Take no notice of him! He's as much a liar as he always was!'

'Afraid I'll get the lot, Glospin?'

'You'll get nothing!'

'Really?' said the Doctor. 'That's not what Quences's ghost told me.'

'Lies!' Satthralope clutched the data core tightly. 'Quences is not dead!'

'Oh yes, he is,' said the Doctor. 'I murdered him. I came back especially. You ask Christopher Cwej. He's very perceptive about these things.'

Chris scrambled to his feet, but Jobiska suddenly gave a little scream.

Across the floor of the Hall lumbered a vast bearlike shape with curling horns.

'Badger!' exclaimed the Doctor.

Behind the avatroid, came an officer in scarlet uniform. He halted at the table, but did not salute.

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'Captain Redred of the Prydon Chapterhouse Guard. I was returning to the Capitol, but there is a fault with your House's transmat booth.'

Leela pulled the Doctor aside. 'It is him,' she mumbled, her mouth full again. 'He was trapped in the transmat booth. He is Andred's missing Cousin.'

'He was talking to Glospin,' said Chris. 'On the Deathday.'

'What?' said Doroth\xE9e. 'You mean he's been trapped there all that time?'

'Correct,' said Badger.

'Ahem,' said the Doctor.

'I released him,' Badger added.

'Hallo?' said the Doctor.

'We saw you in the mirrors,' said Leela to the robot. 'I'm Leela and this is Doroth\xE9e.'

'I am Badger,' said Badger.

Chris shook his head. 'But if he still thinks he's six hundred and seventy-three years ago...'

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'Ouch,' said Doroth\xE9e. 'Someone else can tell him.'

'Excuse me,' said the Doctor. 'Sorry to interrupt, but was this another of your dreams?'

'I can't remember everything,' said Chris. 'They talked about a delivery. And money changed hands.'

The Doctor raised an eyebrow. 'Doing a little deal, were they?'

'Be silent!' shouted Satthralope.

Glospin had circled the table, smiling oleaginously. 'Captain, I suggest you wait in one of the antechambers.' He started to manoeuvre Redred away. 'Family business, you understand. Deathdays and all that paraphernalia.'

Satthralope smacked her cane on the table. 'What is the meaning of this?'

Redred turned. 'Am I addressing the Housekeeper?'

'You are, Captain.'

'Forgive me, madam, I understood you were indisposed. And I am due back at the Capitol.'

She eyed him curiously. 'This is the guard in the transmat booth,' she said to Glospin. 'Doctor? Did you release him?'

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'I released him,' said Badger.

'He was delivering the Matricular transfer facility for Quences's mind,' butted in Glospin.

'And the summary edict,' said Redred, testily.

'Edict?' said the Doctor.

'The edict from the Chapter Council of Cardinals concerning the House of Lungbarrow, sir. An elderly Cousin called Glospin took the delivery.'

'But this is Glospin,' the Doctor said, innocently indicating his Cousin.

There was silence.

'It was definitely an old man,' said Redred.

Glospin glanced at Satthralope. 'An imposter! How can that have happened in our own House?'

The Doctor mimed applause behind Redred's back.

Satthralope smiled charmingly. 'All will be explained, Captain. Now, do you have a copy of this edict?'

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'Yes, madam. A security copy held on my wrist-link.'

'Please play it aloud to us.'

Redred activated the device on his wrist and directed it into the centre of the Hall. Immediately, an elderly man in red and orange Cardinal's regalia shimmered into life.

'Lord Cardinal Lenadi,' whispered the Doctor. 'Head, as was, of the Prydonian Chapter.'

'The House of Lungbarrow,' began the Cardinal, reading from a parchment, 'having wilfully transgressed the First Article of Generation, in that it did knowingly create a new life in excess of its statutory Loom quota of forty-five persons, without reference to or consultation with the Central Population Directory, has been found guilty.'

Owis, who had been picking at his plate of mushrooms, started to slide under the table.

The Cardinal was frowning severely. 'Unless an appeal is lodged within five days, the aforementioned House of Lungbarrow and all its appurtenances will, under the ancient laws subscribed by the founding triumvirate of the New Time, be excommunicated from the Matrix and the Prydonian Chapter. Its name will no longer be known.'

He rolled up the parchment and slotted it into the eye of an antique skull which was suddenly hovering before him.

'Five days pending,' said the skull with a grin.

The transmission finished.